What's the Point Days
Does anyone else have these days? Days where you sit and look at everything you are putting out there and think “What’s the point?” Nothing is moving forward, or at all, and everything is the same as it was before you put in all the effort to get it to change. It isn’t a good day; it’s a bad one.
There is an end of the year anxiety that rises up and fights against the new year energy. That may a whole blog post on its own. The ‘what’s the point’ day appears at the same time, pushing against me like it is trying to get on the rush hour subway. It does a PowerPoint presentation on all the things I have done this year and what they have done in turn for me. Right now, it is looking like a whole lotta nothing.
In truth, I haven’t put in as much effort as I could have in certain categories. This year was spent still healing as well as continuing to adjust back to city life. I had to find a new job unexpectedly and I am still getting my feet wet with writing and the temptation to return to the audition circuit. I should allow myself that time and not feel guilty for taking it. It’s a grace period.
I still ask what’s the point. What’s the point of writing this blog? Of writing a novel? What’s the point of paying to start an email list? What’s the point of taking new headshots and get back into the acting game? Will anything I do in an effort to progress my chosen career actually work or will it be another year of slower than a snail movement? Am I completely and utterly lost on how to do any of this? Is everything I am trying destined to fail?
It’s a bad day. A discouraging day. And I am in it. With only weeks left in this decade, I think often of who I was at the beginning of it. I was determined, brave, and boundless. I had set goals and had a very clear trajectory. Now I feel so much the opposite of all of that. I am afraid, tired, and limited. I have goals that are shaky at best and am lost when it comes to the path ahead. My age feels heavy. The vision I have of myself is clear but distant. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see myself fitting into the picture I’ve created.
I’ll do what I do every new year: I’ll make a to do list. A list of goals for the 12 months ahead. Last year, I .checked a few off but I haven’t moved from my position on the chess board. I gave myself time but I can’t have anymore. I have to do something more. I have to find other methods, other routes, and work harder at the seeds I planted this year. I have to move otherwise I lose the game. I have to move otherwise this is what it is. I have to move past the bad days.
Otherwise, what’s the point?
