It Turns Out Living One Day At A Time Is A Mixed Bag

I have never thought of myself as a one day at a time kind of gal. I’ve preached it, of course, who hasn’t? We always tell our friends struggling to take everything one day at a time. I mean, I’ve said it to myself on countless occasions. It seems to be the cure to many ailments and mental health but is it actually?

Because now we are all living it and folks, I am not sure it is all that it was cracked up to be.

I’m a planner. I loved calendars and deadlines and organizational charts. I always receive or buy a pocket calendar in December and keep it in my bag. I prefer to physically write down appointments, auditions, social outings than putting them into a digital calendar. But I also have one of those that my husband and I use for our shared or separate commitments so we stop forgetting when one won’t be home for dinner (this is all him. I never forget because I am perfect.)

Like many of us, I had big plans for this year. There’s no need to bother listing them all but for example, we planned to move into a bigger place and travel to Scotland for our anniversary in the fall. Two things that involved planning, organizing, researching and budgeting. Things I enjoy doing even if I complain at the time. They are consuming and tedious and yet, I love apartment hunting and I really REALLY love vacation planning. I yearn for a good itinerary.

But now what do we plan? A writer/artist I follow, Mari Andrew, suggested making plans for the little things such as buying flowers. I’ve been planning dinners with our massive loads of groceries and workouts during the week. That has helped. Doing it week by week is a way to not get overwhelmed and not remind myself to go too far ahead. The problem is, I don’t do this every week. And when I do, it usually starts on Tuesday or Wednesday because days have no meaning any more.

I try and see it as a challenge but truly, that sucks. I hate that. That is harsh, I know. I just hate it and I’m not going to pretend I love the idea of a challenge of living one day at a time. It isn’t fun. I hate it here and I know you all do, too. We’ve all lost something, big or small. Being told to take one day at a time and learn from it makes me want to scream even more than it usually does when someone tells me that. It may be true, it may be said with the utmost kindness, but back up to six feet with that bullshit, thank you.

I am doing it though. We all are whether we like it or not. I don’t think too far ahead because I can’t. I can’t because it brings up my anxiety to the brink of a volcanic eruption. I panic in a way I never have. It is terrifying and all consuming. So I do live one day at a time. I wake up with minimal plans and go about my day until its past five o’clock and I can sink into the comfort of the normal dinner and watching television or playing a game or reading without too much guilty because the work day is done. Well, the “work” day because I don’t have a job which I also can’t think about because ANXIETY.

I have started planning for a year ahead. I still dive into my Scotland planning sometimes and pretend it is for 2021. I’ll plan a fake Disney World trip (I did this before the pandemic) and make it for 2021 or 2022. I’ll apartment hunt, job hunt, hunt for new sweatpants that aren’t Christmas pajamas. I have to plan or else my brain may melt. This one day at a time crap isn’t all sunshine and sparkles and a relaxed mental state. It is kind of my nightmare. What I have been doing that helps is plan what to make for dinner in the morning. It gives me something to think about and set. It’s a very tiny comfort that has saved me on many a dark day.

But it’s a challenge, right? Ugh, gross, get out of here. Everything is challenging right now and we are all doing our best. Does it help knowing everyone out there is doing it one day at a time? Yes, it does. It is no longer life coaches and Gwyneth Paltrow selling you this mantra. It is how life happens in this current situation. Tomorrow is never promised but truly now, it really isn’t. Numbers and news change every minute but now it is every second. Is it going to be worse tomorrow? It is very possible that it will be; more than it ever has been in our lifetime.

It is all one day at a time. For us planners, for us all really, it sucks. It is fascinating, I’ll admit, to actually be doing it after years of preaching it and being told it. It feels strange, unnatural. I can’t help but wonder if my life would be different if I had been doing this all along. A part of me can breathe easier in small moments throughout the day because I know that’s all I have to do. I can worry about the future like a champ; I am a professional at it. But for the first time, I’m stopping myself and breathing and letting myself be. I’m waking up and letting the day happen, doing what I can to stay above the sinking feeling, and maybe planning a bit for tomorrow.

One day at a time. It’s so gross but here we are, finally doing it all together.