I constantly feel like I am climbing a mountain. A mountain of anxiety and depression where the top is freedom from panic and a sense of doom and the bottom is a pit of despair, anguish, and darkness. I hover in between the two most of the time, clinging to the rock wall, my fingernails scraping chunks off as I claw my way upwards. Sometimes I hang there, not sure whether I will fly or fall, waiting for a sign to move up or down.

I recently returned home from vacation which is why there was no blog last week. I say vacation and not trip because I’ve started to noticed the difference. I’ve been on two trips this year to the South and while they were technically vacations, it was more exploring and seeing somewhere new that leads me to title them trips. To me a trip is a discovery, a journey to a new place to eat, drink, and explore. A vacation is a break, a true break, where yes you do eat, drink, and discover but there’s something familiar about it. Something lazy and relaxed. Somewhere I can truly be present in the moment.

Surprisingly, this is Disney World to me. I know it seems ridiculous to call Disney World relaxing. There’s walking, planning, long lines. It’s expensive, and crowded. Somehow this is relaxing to me because I know the parks inside out. I know what to expect. I know that I can ask anyone any question and get an answer. It is a resort where every need is able to be taken care of with friendly service (as a former Cast Member, I still admire and respect the care that goes into every interaction). I won’t gush further about this place though I easily could (I have a blog about it from a few years ago if anyone wants!). I love the planning and the parks and the food and I laughed uncontrollably every day.

This vacation encouraged me to climb upwards.

I felt a shift happen. It was as if the black cloud that has been following me around flew back into the sky. Yes, I was in a place of magic and wonder but it was more than that. I was having fun again. I was enjoying being present with my husband and getting back to the childlike wonder that used to fuel me. We’ve had a rough past few years and I never thought I’d climb upwards again. We moved back and things have been steady but I wasn’t getting closer to the top. I was losing energy and focus. I think because I have been healing but healing is exhausting at times. I was being drained because I had not had a true break in years. My prior trips this year were incredible but they had a different feel than a place I longed for. I had a series of traumatic events occur and I was being buried under a pile of financial demons and job failures. My favorite place was moving farther away from me with as every shoe that could dropped did.

Sitting at a bar that first night in Florida, I was overwhelmed for a few minutes. I realized I had thought we’d never be able to go back to this place we used to go to every year. I feared we were never going to get back to ourselves and here we were, being our best selves once again. My brief tears stopped falling and the shift began. The shift for the upwards climb. So much so that there was a man sitting next to us who was openly sharing he was having a tough time. I told him that this too shall pass and to trust me on that: I was living proof. I hope he believed me.

While I usually have at least one panic attack while traveling, by the end of the week, I realized I had been anxiety free for several days. My brain was no longer fuzzy and I had energy, real energy. It is one of those moments where you don’t realize how long it has been until it returns. Like the warmth of the sun. You think the winter sun is warm until spring makes a comeback and then summer rises. The sun was shining on me again (figuratively and literally, it is Florida after all).

I wasn’t sure what to write this week. I chose to share this as a message of hope. I had not seen how dark my world had gotten. How much spark I had lost in my relationships, my passions, my life in general. I am lucky I am back in a place where I can travel. I don’t think travel is the cure for everyone but it does work like magic. I think a walk in the woods or on the ocean or in a museum would do just fine. I think it is more about finding your fire again wherever it lives and burns. Mine is in a fantasy world with Mickey ice creams and rides that convince you that you are actually flying in the air on an imaginary dragon so much so you weep openly underneath your 3D glasses (thanks, Flight of Passage).

I can feel the pit beneath me, pulling me back down but I am going to fight it. I might not win the battle every time. I know I won’t. But now I remember what this feels like and I can cling to that. I had forgotten it as I have forgotten a lot of things that once made me happy. When you live in the dark for a while, it can be hard to recall what the light is like. I have the spark, the energy, the fire, whatever you want to call it, back inside me. I think burn out is real and I hadn’t recognized it in myself. It came in a new form; it wasn’t the exhaustion I had felt prior. It was a new sensation that was hiding under the happiness of being back home with my people. I see it now. I drew it out of the shadows and now I’ll know its face when it inevitably rises again. And I will rise up to meet it.