Third Times a Charm

Ah, unemployment, we meet again. While I do not plan to share details on how I am unemployed for a third time in five years, let’s just say I plan to pitch an article about the real reason millennial can’t buy houses: we keep getting laid off. Don’t believe the State of the Union; it is not going well down here for us peasants.

Once again, I find myself with a lot of ample time. My anxiety has sprung into action and I feel like I am wearing pants with ants in them, as one does. While I have to find another job, I have wide open spaces of days in the meantime. TIME! It is what I have been asking for! I have mountains of it once more and THIS time will be different!

So why do I feel like it still won’t matter?

That’s my anxiety talking. It lies to me with a voice rich like honey. Smooth and sweet, it’s telling me that I may have hours and hours but it won’t move the needle any further. I’ll fail at this, too. I was supposed to finish my second draft at the end of the year and here we are in February, inches away and yet it feels like miles.

Here’s the thing: time isn’t the gift here. It helps, of course, but it isn’t everything. What I need is my drive and passion to fuel the fire so that in circumstances where my time is limited again, I can still plow ahead and achieve the same goals I had when I was as free as the wind. When my anxiety is whispering to me, convincing me that I can’t do this, I have to be able to turn to the structure I built to ensure time doesn’t affect the outcome.

Don’t get me wrong; I am definitely taking advantage of the time as well. I spent the day at the Met yesterday because art is a constant that helps me focus and I’ve missed taking myself on dates. I spent Monday writing my novel and while I wrote a scene that I plan to cut today, I got some valuable words down aside from that. Also that’s the point of a draft. Sometimes you spend an hour writing something that feels sour in your mouth and when you let it marinate over night, you realize it truly is gross. Or sometimes it’s actually delicious. All trial and error.

I do not plan to sit in a depression like I did in 2017. That, of course, was a VERY different circumstance. This is another case like last year was where it was out of my hands and had nothing to do with me, my work ethic, or anything personal. Is it the universe telling me I am not meant for corporate culture or an office job? Yes, I think it is. I know what I need to do to survive and have benefits and stability. I do not plan to change that. But the fact that these' ‘survival’ jobs fall apart more than if I was an actor full time with a show on Broadway that can always close at any time (they all aren’t Hamilton), it tells me my energy needs to be shifted elsewhere.

Does this ruin my year? Nah, I’ll find another job. I have a bunch of other life plans that a job with benefits is necessary. Would it be cool to get new headshots and book something that would provide me these benefits because I am acting full time? Duh. But that’s best case scenario.

In the meantime, I have built my structure and daily schedule and put ear muffs on to shut the anxiety out. I have taken a few days for myself and plan to dive back into the job hunt Monday morning where coincidentally I have my first therapy appointment with a new therapist. So I’ll wake up early, exercise, blast Taylor Swift’s Reputation because it makes me feel like a badass and write my little heart out while submitting for extra work (something I haven’t done in YEARS and am stoked to get back to surprisingly) and achieve that goal of attending an Equity audition once something right for me pops up.

2020, you are one challenging bitch and we are only a month down. If we are playing truth or dare, I choose dare. I’ve never felt more motivated or ready. The door just opened wide and I am stepping through.