There Is Nothing Wrong With Disappearing in Winter

One might assume that growing up in Vermont, I loved winter. Fact is, I loathe it. Everything about winter is vile. Except for snow on Christmas.

I hate my skin, my hair, the cold wind on my face, the coats, the static cling, the dry hands, the itchy sweaters. The knot in my hair at the back of my neck when I wear my coat and a scarf. I hate it all.

I’m a summer baby and a fall witch. I need sunshine and perfumed air. Yes, I can smell snow but that’s about all I smell in winter. Give me flowers and damp leaves! Fresh cut grass and hay! Cinnamon, apples, lemons, roses!

The last few years, I have done my best to stop forcing myself to be a lover of winter. Instead, I hibernate. If you try to get together with me January thru March, you may be met with excuses or delays as I try not to leave my home. Okay, I do leave my home but I don’t press myself with tons of social activities because I am taking the horrid weather as a reason to heal and rest.

I’ve written a lot about how I suck at rest so this winter hibernation is always a challenge for me, even in a pandemic. I feel like I should still be out and about as much as I am in the spring, summer and fall. Except I shouldn’t be because I am miserable. Who wants to go out when they are miserable? Who wants to hang with someone who is?

Winter is for healing and this winter, I needed plenty of it. I didn’t over exert myself, I said no to things I did not want to do, I purchased tons of moisturizing products and took care of myself better than I have in past winters. I read. I wrote. I cooked. I kept up with my friends and was honest with them about things I was going through and many of them echoed my sentiments. I didn’t post a ton on social media and it felt good to take this time for myself.

Any kind of rest comes with guilt it seems. After experiencing this collective trauma that keeps adding additional traumas as the year moves forward, we deserve to rest. To say no. To heal and be a little selfish when we want to be alone and hidden away in our nests.

There is nothing wrong with disappearing for a while. Often it is necessary but we feel so terrible when we do it so much so that we stay in focus, center stage, hanging on by a thread. Sometimes you need tea and a blanket for a few weeks and leave some emails and texts unread.

It doesn’t mean you avoid all your responsibilities. It doesn’t mean you don’t do anything. I’ve done plenty this winter! Seen tons of amazing theater, visited with friends and family. But I did not do anything I didn’t feel like doing. I wanted to stop doing things that didn’t serve me or contribute to my healing and rest.

And I am a person who hates saying no.

I am social and have major FOMO about things I would say no to even if I was invited. So this winter lifestyle is painful for me at times. However, I’ve started to listen to myself more throughout it. When something is suggested to me, I listen to how my body reacts. If my chest brightens and my heart skips, it is clear I want to do it. If my stomach plummets and a cold sweat forms, I definitely do not. Saying no often has the same reaction because I never want to disappoint anyone or not do something I may enjoy doing but I’m learning to cope with that. Advocating for yourself is hard and winter healing is helping me learn to deal.

It feels like spring today in NYC. I feel alive and ready to emerge from my cocoon of rewatching The Good Place for the fifth time. My energy is renewed and I am craving the outside world and all the activities it provides. I realize it is not because I deprived myself of it. It is because I took time away from it to learn and listen to other parts of myself. The ones that have been broken and exhausted. The ones that need breathing room and moments to stretch.

Now that I am focused and limber, healing and rested, I’m ready for what the spring blossoms bring.