The Thing About Wishes

Ever since I was a little girl, I believed in wishes. I’d sit on my windowsill awaiting the evening star. We all know the evening star shines first and brightest and therefore is prime for wishing. It would pop out in the dark sky and I’d talk to it as though it were a friend. Confessing my wish, my desire, my need for it all to come true. I’d thank the star, crawl into bed, and repeat the wish over and over hoping that helped seal the deal.

Anytime there is a wishing well, you can bet I toss a coin in with a wish attached to it. I wish on eyelashes, dandelion fluff, skipping stones and acorns. You can attach a wish to anything.

As a teenage girl, most of my wishes were boy based, unfortunately. I wanted certain boys to like me, love me, date me, marry me. Shocker, these wishes did not come true.

I often wished for fame and fortune. I wanted to be a famous actress desperately. I practiced with my hairbrush the speeches I would give for all the future awards I wanted to win. I still run them over and over in my head sometimes when I can’t sleep. These wishes have not come true either.

There was one thing I never wished for when I was younger. Something I never thought to wish for. I wasn’t sure I wanted it and if I did decide I wanted it, it did not seem. hard to come by.

I was very wrong about this.

I made a wish for it last month in a wishing well in Disneyland. This wish came true.

And then it went away.

The thing about wishes is that they are imperfect. When none of the boys I worshipped loved me back, I thought myself unlovable, ugly, destined to be a spinster living with a thousand cats in a cottage in the woods (this honestly sounds super appealing now in hindsight). Instead, I had to have my heart broken countless times and make harmful mistakes before finding lasting love. The love I had wished for on many stars for many years. I would not have been the person I was when I met my husband if I had not had those experiences, those heartaches, that pain.

I am not famous nor am I rich. At least not in the traditional sense. However, I have had profound artistic experiences since making those wishes. Moments of spotlight and wonder. Creative friends that have lasted decades. I found new ways to make art, different than what I had always planned. I am not on a television show at the moment but I have written two novels, dozens of short stories, blogs, and flash fiction that has been received with fanfare and kind words. I have a support system that is unbreakable. I have projects boiling over in my imagination. More stories to tell, more films to shoot, more ways to bring my art into the world. That makes me rich in ways I never thought of. It does not mean my wish hasn’t come true or won’t come true. Perhaps it is writing fame that will find me (fortune less so because, spoiler alert, writers are not rich). Regardless, because the acting wish has not come true yet, I have found my writing again and found a sanctuary in my stories. A wish that changed.

My wishes have been few as of late. I haven’t needed them. I’ve been happy, content, finding my way by taking risks and trying new things. I’ve had heartbreaks and deep aches but I’ve survived and moved forward. The ache I suffer from now is one I can’t describe. It is being numb and having every inch of me hurt at the same time. One of the worst parts is this was a wish that came true.

Or so I thought.

Perhaps this isn’t the wish. This is something that has to happen before it shape shifts and comes true as so many other wishes have. I can not think of one wish that has not changed in some way and revealed itself to me much later in life than I wanted. Even when wishes are granted, they do not cater to the wisher. They do as they please. Maybe this one will show up in disguise and reveal itself much later than I anticipated or wanted.

I know belief in wishes has been in short supply these last two years. I think that is what has shed light on how wishes work. Sometimes they are accompanied by pain and anguish. Sometimes by surprise and shock. Sometimes they are extremely close to what you wished for but take decades to reach you.

I still believe in wishes. They may take too long and by the time they show up, you don’t recognize the wish for what it once was. But they do come true. You just have to believe.