Stepping Out With An Old Dream

I thought this massive part of me was gone forever. I thought the light it once burned was out for good. But old dreams have a way of returning to us if we pursue them once more.

Yesterday was a great day. Yesterday as Mercury left retrograde and the full moon was burning, I found myself living a life I used to live and finding it still fit perfectly.

I worried for so long that I was done with acting entirely. When we moved to Vermont, I still auditioned and performed with my improv team but in terms of productions on a larger professional scale, I thought that fire had burned out. I didn’t miss it at first, thinking this was the way it was going to be. I had lost my love for it somehow (it can be very draining) and writing was moving into the hole in my heart. The truth was, writing was always in my heart right there alongside acting. They didn’t need to me mutually exclusive.

So yesterday, after waiting for my brain to tell me to just fucking do it, I went and got new headshots. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you are aware I’ve been struggling with my body image and how I look after being 90lbs most of my life. I still struggle with photos of myself though it has gotten better as I’ve learned to love my changing body and find ways to feel confident in it. I was nervous as hell to walk in and have several hours devoted to snapping shots of my face. That feels so bizarre to say coming from a girl who used to shoot on rooftops without a second thought. I wasn’t sure this was the right choice. I was invested in myself and spending money on something that I worried I wouldn’t use properly. Something I thought was gone from my life.

But why did I even think that? Also listen to what I am saying: I was upset about investing in MYSELF. That’s some shit right there.

I had no reason to think acting was gone from my life. I had convinced myself it was somehow, pushing it away and avoiding it at all costs. Yesterday it came back like a freight train and I haven’t felt that good in a long time.

Not only are my headshots absolutely phenomenal, I saw myself in them and I felt beautiful. That fire I thought had burned out suddenly exploded and started crackling. It was as if I had never left it behind at all. I was just another actor getting updated shots like you do.

Post shoot, I rehearsed a scene with a dear friend of mine. It was easy, it was fun, it also came back to me like a tidal wave. It was putting on a favorite coat that had been lost in the closet and finding it still fits perfectly.

I write this to share that risks are worth it; trying again is worth it. If I hadn’t told my anxiety to fuck off and walked out that door and gave it a shot, I wouldn’t have come home beaming with happiness and pride. I am proud of myself and that is not something I ever say.

When everything seems impossible, you have to find the faith that it isn’t. It felt impossible to get back into acting, to love a photo of myself, to act again. I thought I would suck, fall flat, start crying and run out the door (okay, probably not but this is for effect). I worried it wasn’t inside me any longer. I had lost it for good.

Nothing is lost forever. There are pieces floating around in the universe of everything that once exists. It is finding the shards of magic that are still inside you and around you. Little moments that feel so small but end up moving you forward in the darkest of days.

I thought I was done but it turns out I am only in phase 2. Yesterday was a great day. Yesterday I took a step forward and found the fire again.

I also finished the second draft of my novel. Like, am I a superhero now? Damn, girl.