No matter what, job hunting blows. It takes time, effort, looking up fancier words to put on your resume, outfits, handshakes, and answering the same questions over and over again as you smile through it. That is all before you even get the job which entails learning new systems, skills, and talking to new people and figuring out the office fridge situation. It is stressful, frustrating, and unsatisfying. However, at the end of it all, most people are happy with the jobs they find because they wanted them in the first place.

What do you do when you don’t actually want the job?

Here’s the thing: I’ve been here before. A moment in time where I can breathe, dive into my creativity and consider what I want my next job that pays my bills and lets me go to the doctor to be. I’ve had a few friends ask how unemployment is going and I keep answering, “It’s great and I know it shouldn’t be but I’m loving it.” It’s great because I spend my days doing all the things I love to do. I get to write, read, take online classes. It is great because that is the job I actually want. It is not a sad time because I am free of the obstacles of having a place to be for eight hours instead of being at my desk dreaming up goblins.

So how do I find the focus and drive to pursue a job that I fear will suck the creativity out of me like the last one did?

I am giving in to time. I have a limited amount of it but it is a gift I can use to be a little picky. I know what I am looking for and what I can get. I also know I have the ability to branch out a little and maybe discover something new. This round I am even more sure that I need something in a field flies close to theater or film. I miss that community and world and it helps keep my heart beating for creating. Being around that passion fuels my own.

I keep telling myself that this is a necessary evil. That helps when I scroll through LinkedIn. I wrote about having a ‘last job’ when I got this most recent job. Turns out, it wasn’t the last job overall. Instead, I think it may have been the last job of its kind.

I see so many people out in the world living a life they want to live. Is it perfect? No, of course not. Nothing is perfect. I am allowed to want something more. I am allowed to be picky about something I will spend half of my life at. I know the idea of career has changed over the past several decades and for most millennials, there isn’t a career path that we stick to for 20-30 years like our parents did. We either can’t because we get laid off twice in two years (this is me) or there isn’t money or growth and we have to leave to move up the ladder. Lately, there isn’t any ladder and we get stuck.

Passion is important. It shows on your skin. Honestly, I look better than I have in the past seven months. I may get a few more minutes of sleep but my day is still 8am to 10pm. I haven’t changed that pattern. I work the entire day with breaks. Yet I have a glow about me. My dark circles are gone. I have energy and life and it shows. There is a light inside me that has starting burning brighter. I do not want that light to go out.

So how am I job hunting for something I don’t want? The reminder that it is necessary helps and knowing that my light still works keeps my brain from being desperate and saying yes like I did last year before I thought about it. I am constantly learning what I need and growing. I know my strengths better now and what is the point of looking for a job that doesn’t cater to the ones I love flexing? Sure, I have customer service skills but maybe after almost 20 years of people telling me to fuck off, I am ready to branch out. And yes, people truly have said that to me in many different forms including with emojis. Be kind to your customer service people. They are humans trying to help and don’t get paid nearly as much as they should.

You look for the job that keeps your dream alive. That’s the big secret I’ve learned. That is how I am looking for a job. I need to keep the light burning inside me as well as the lights on in my apartment. I am looking for light. As John Mayer sung in one of my favorite songs "Just keep me where the light is.”