Out Here Stuck In The Mud. Care To Join Me?

Back in July, which was approximately 17 years ago, I wrote a blog wondering if it was ever too late to start again. I had hoped writing my frustrations out would somehow magically heal the sensation that I was a fraud, holding onto this life I was faking my way through. This life I had nothing to show for aside from my personal projects. I believe in putting things out into the universe and asking for what you want. And I did that. I asked the universe to provide me with an acceptance of a writing submission or perhaps a Zoom reading of a play.

The universe has remained silent to my plea.

The year is gone. I think we all have admitted that in some way. I’m sure there are people out there who read this that have perhaps gone back to some semblance of a normal life. Or they are living my dream of wandering the world as safely as they can (so I assume) because their career is unavailable and this is the perfect time to do so. Perhaps you feel just like I do: stuck in a hole there is not way to get out of. At least not right now.

I wrote in my newsletter about ways I have reminded myself I am doing the best I can. I’m not sure I believe it. I wrote down all the things I have been creating and it is quite a few. Yet I long for that one that is tangible somehow. That sounds so hollow when I think about it. I put so much weight on it. Well, actually, society puts the weight on, I just follow along like everyone else. Someone is still a painter even if they aren’t in a museum, you know? My projects are worthy and wonderful. They have immense value. So why do I need something more? Why does it need to be the conventional version of success when I am spending my days creating and doing what I love in a time of stress, darkness, and uncertainty?

I have a life I imagined for myself and I do not know how to get there. I feel like I am in a horror movie where the door down the long hall keeps moving away from me even though I am sprinting towards it. Every time I think I am close, it moves farther away. Will it always be like this?

I don’t mean to say this life I’ve pictured won’t ever happen. It very well could. I never stop working towards it, even now. Eight months ago, I was so close to diving back in. That must be it. I was on the cusp and the cusp vanished. No more cusp. No more path to the cusp. Just the horizon far ahead, blurred by the distance.

I wish I had words of wisdom but sometimes you just feel stuck. You sink down and sit in the mud. If you’re lucky, you have friends that sit with you and wallow. They keep you company when you are at your lowest and now is probably the best time there ever will be to be right there in the thick of it. You don’t even have to explain why you feel completely lost. It is very obvious and everyone is experiencing some version of this.

Does it help to do countless job interviews for jobs I don’t particularly care for? No. And then to not even get them? No, it doesn’t help. Does it help to see all the fancy theater folk doing virtual theater and not having a clue where to even put it out there I would also like to, please? No, definitely does not help. Countless self tapes, audition submissions, writing the entire day. Nothing has changed in my trajectory. I feel like I am running on a hamster wheel.

That’s how I got here in the mud. And I’m going to sit here for a minute. I’m going to feel sorry for myself. Not to mention frustrated and heartbroken and pathetic and tired. I’ll have energy again eventually. I’ll grow my confidence back with some magic beans and get cleaned up and try again. We all feel behind at one point or another. Right now, I choose to linger in it, just for a little bit. To continue to reflect, refocus, gather my strength to get back up. It is taking longer and longer these days but what isn’t?

I know a lot of my recent blogs have been about feeling stuck. I know it is because of the disappearing cusp and the state of the world. I would have much more exciting content if I was able to move on from the cusp and head to that horizon. Honestly, wouldn’t we all? I’m not going to apologize for it; I hope in writing this, it is relatable. We were feeling stuck in July and we are here feeling stuck in October. We are stuck in the mud, unable to move on because there isn’t a way out of the mud. It’s all mud. Sometimes there is some sun to dry it all out before the rain comes again.

May there be more sun than rain ahead.