I Woke Up Like This

I love makeup. A lot. I love everything about it. I love wearing it. I love playing with it. I love learning about it. I love how it makes me feel. I love nailing a good winged eyeliner. I love knowing I've got dark circles but no one else does. And now I live in a place where no one wears it.I'm not a girl who feels she needs makeup to be confident. I've been blessed with clear skin and now working for a luxury skincare company, my skin is only getting better. Sorry, not sorry.It's not secret New York is filled with beautiful people. Even if a woman appears like she's not trying, she still looks like she walked off the runway with her yoga pants and messy bun and perfect eyebrows. While I can't say I felt I needed to wear makeup in the city, it certainly was encouraged and dare I say, expected.  In a city full of models and actors, this was not uncommon to see. Hair done, full face makeup, cute shoes. The city uniform.Makeup is not as common here. Because of that, I am finding I have bohemian natural goddess dreams. Instead of the sleek pantsuit, I am growing envious of the loose, thin clothing and layered gold necklaces. I want the boho chic with big lashes and flawless, foundationless skin. Big hats and strappy bralettes that are visible because no one wears clothes that fit them. Or actual bras. Big sweaters that hang off the shoulder and tight jeans with so many holes I hope they didn't spend over $5 on them knowing full well they paid $90.So I've been experimenting. I stopped wearing eyeliner for a bit. I've noticed a lot of great mascara with natural brows so I gave it a shot. I hated it. I didn't feel like myself. My big Disney eyes seemed to disappear when normally they pop. Even with filled in brows, I wasn't feeling it.I also have been growing out my bangs. I hate it. I am already planning my next hair cut to get bangs again because I strangely feel vulnerable without them. I feel...blah. My husband was thrilled when I said I was growing them out. Guys don't like bangs, it's weird. Girls here are rocking the long, straight hair with no fringe or bangs to be seen and I try it for a few months and want to shave my head.Before I left the city, I was toying with the idea of lipstick. I've never been good at wearing lipstick but I love it and wanted to incorporate more in my makeup regime. When I've worn it here, I get a lot of questions. The main one being "Oh, are you going somewhere after this?" Well, no, I wasn't. I was just wearing a bright pink to kick it up a notch but I guess I went up too many.Boho chic does not suit me. I think this is a truth I have to accept. I tried it and I didn't like it. I like a good winged eyeliner. I like a deep red lipstick. I like highlighted cheekbones. I like shirts that fit and don't show my bra underneath. Literally I served a woman the other night who basically wasn't wearing a shirt. It was like tissue paper over what looked like a very intricate bikini top. I know because I could see the entire bikini top for a bra situation because HER SHIRT WAS FALLING OFF OF HER. I like pants with holes but fuck, I can't wear those to work, guys. Can we please start selling WHOLE JEANS AGAIN? I like hats but I have a small head so those huge wide hats look like I'm wearing an umbrella. I like bangs and textured, layered hair though I would give a kidney for natural beachy waves.There's a lot of pressure to be natural. There's the whole movement of #iwokeupthislike and #nomakeupmonday. There's all the song lyrics about wanting a man to love you without makeup. It makes Katy Perry feel like a teenage dream. John Mayer sings about a girl in sweatpants and how perfect she is. And that's great. I celebrate that because I think a lot of women rely on makeup and don't feel pretty without it. I have in the past. I've felt I can't leave the house without it. When I was dating, I worried about spending the night with someone and how I look when I wake up because we are told a women without makeup isn't attractive for some reason. It's disgusting the pressures society and the media put on women to be flawless 24/7.But sometimes I want to wear lipstick and a cute dress for no reason. Don't ask where I am going after. I'm going here, here is where I am.It's very strange to live in a place where this celebration of women being confident for not wearing makeup isn't a thing; it's just how it is. They just don't wear it and never have. You stand out when you do wear it...and that's an adjustment.I've lost a lot of confidence with gaining weight. While I am working at it and looking better each day, I'm trying to fit in and feel cool again and confident in how I look. I don't know how to dress now. I don't like the tight shirts I used to rock any more. I don't feel comfortable in my current skin just yet. It's getting closer every day but I still don't like pictures of myself right now. I find myself scrolling through old pictures at night and wanting the 'old me' back with the lined eyes and cute bangs. Why did I think I needed to alter my appearance and join the natural movement when that's clearly not who I am?I'm getting more comfortable in this new body still and adjusting to a new environment where the mainstream is very different. I've realized I prefer myself with makeup and that's okay. I'm not hiding who I am, I'm going back to it. I want to look like a hippie forest fairy. But it might not be my calling. Maybe it's a combo of comfy flowy clothing with a bra and a smoky eye. I could live with that.https://youtu.be/fyeTJVU4wVo